I have exciting news – I’ve been discharged from hospital for a couple months now! It’s been a really busy time, with a spontaneous holiday to see my favourite Eurovision act, attempting to settle back home, sorting out getting back into full time work (while pursuing a new career), and trying to learn how to manage friendships and relationships again. I’m not sure why I’m trying to put a positive spin on it. I guess it’s all really good, exciting things, but I feel incredibly stressed. I’m trying to be patient with myself, and also to remember I am autistic, and it’s okay not to be able to do everything like everyone else can, and that I’ve also had a very long, difficult time with different mental health illnesses, so while it’s not good to dwell on them and make them my identity….it’s also not good to pretend that they aren’t part of my life, and be angry at myself for finding life so tough.
Anyway. Point of the post – I had some positive thoughts a few days ago, and I wanted to share them. I guess I’ve been feeling a lot of regret about choices I’ve made, and a lot of fear of not being good enough for people, for not being smart enough or pretty enough or talented enough, for not being productive enough, for not having achieved enough. It got me really low. But after a lot of thinking, I keep telling myself this little thing I thought up:
‘YOU ARE RUNNING YOUR OWN RACE’.
Like, you’re doing your own thing. Those people you think are doing better than you – do you want to be doing what they’re doing? Because if you don’t, then YOU’RE ONLY LOSING IN THE RACE YOU AREN’T RUNNING. And it works both ways. Those people who think they’re so great because they’re better than you at maths, or have a higher paid job. THEY’RE ONLY WINNING IN THE RACE THEY’RE RUNNING. If you don’t give a jot about how good you are at maths, or if there’s no way you’d want to be in their career field…what’s the point in comparing? She has more followers than you on social media. Did you ever want to have a lot of followers? No? Then why are you so worried about it?
I always praise, and envy, the people I see who are doing what makes them happy. I have friends who are LIVING life, travelling, spending all their money, and having a good time, with no set career plan as of yet. To some, they haven’t actually been to university, and haven’t progressed professionally or academically. But why should that matter to them – that’s not the race they’re running!? I think if they’re happy…that’s amazing. Equally, the person who is earning a ton of money in a stressful financial or business career – if that’s what they’re passionate for, that’s awesome, but that’s not for everyone! So why be jealous of their so-called ‘success’? They might also be unhappy about all the stress, and have been pushed into it. I think that’s the only sad thing. When people are losing the race they want to be in, because they feel pushed into running another race. My mum commented on a friend’s daughter, saying it was ‘sad’ she was ‘so bright’ but hadn’t studied further and instead had lots of children and has been through a divorce, before finding her current partner. But to me she seems a loving mother with a very fun family, and from talking to her she’s travelled around, has been to lots of festivals and concerts, had so many interesting life experiences, and is actually planning on entering a new profession!
My point is – I need to stop comparing myself to others, and to keep myself focused on my goals, my dreams, and what makes me happy. I like reading. I like eating cereal. I’d love to be a nurse! I want to travel. I want to feel healthy and well – I want to have a family. I love learning things. I really enjoy helping people. If I’m moving towards these goals, whether that’s reading a new book, or buying a new cereal, or planning a new holiday, or gaining weight, or something more tangible like getting a new job…they are the things I should be happy about, rather than being stressed because I’m not in a different career, or famous on Instagram, or grade 8 saxophone.
I’m going to try keep running my race. It’s a nice race, and it’s one that leads to me being happy. I hope you do too. And I hope you don’t judge people just because their happiness (their race) isn’t the same as your own.