This is just a quick post really, to talk about how I’m feeling at the moment. A lot has happened to me in the last couple of weeks, and the way my life has transformed feels almost..unbelievable. I try to put on a brave face, but inside I truly feel broken, and alone, and cold, and I wonder if I ever will repair from everything that has happened. I don’t think anyone can understand just how much I would like to go to sleep and for my heart to finally give up. I feel almost betrayed by my body and my mind. I am told I am talented, I am loved, I have good qualities, I have so much ‘potential’…and yet my mind is abnormal, to the point where I am unable to fit in but also not skilled enough to be considered special. Instead my mind has ravaged my body, rendering me stuck inside this useless shell, which, in a cruel twist of fate, doesn’t seem to want to finally pack itself in, and relieve both my imprisoned self and everyone around me from the burden that is my existence.
I wish I didn’t sound so pretentious and self indulgent and awful, wallowing..but I can’t help it. I truly, truly want to sleep and never wake up.
I won’t go on anymore about this, but I suppose, in brief, I have been taken into hospital, and am now sectioned, meaning I have lost the right to make decisions about my care. How this has happened, when my health is better than it was a couple weeks ago, and when I have not refused any treatment, and actually have drive to recover, is…so fundamentally wrong, and immoral. But it is the problem of a bureaucratic system and certain individuals in positions of power, who do not understand autism or the complexities of all my conditions, and do not want to take the time to understand, or give me a chance. Psychology is a messy field, and it is easy to twist things and make people look a certain way; similarly medicine is messy, and the power bestowed upon people merely because of a title…opinions become facts, and I cannot win.
The future is uncertain for me now. I can only hope, but I have very little of that left. I want a future, I want to be independent, I want to be free – and I know now I have the power, if I am free, to get there. But whether or not the people around me will give me the opportunity to so…I do not know. I wish they could see what they have done to me. I felt so bright in the outside world, and now I have been reduced to nothing. I feel…like dirt. A tiny, unworthy little piece of dirt, that deserves to be trodden on and squished and destroyed and hurt. I deserved everything that happened to me in the past, and everything that happens now. Everything in my life. I was punished and I should continue to be.
Hurt. Hurt hurt hurt. I deserve to hurt.
My head hurts right now.
All these horrible painful things keep happening and all I can do is sit through them and cry. I can’t do anything. And it all hurts. I want to scream and cry but I know it would be futile. All I can do is let it happen.
I was meant to be talking about Christmas wasn’t I?
So, I guess this was the worst one yet. I was very alone.
And I’ve been non verbal on and off for a few days now.
My head just wants to shut it all out.
I can’t escape this mess.
Mess mess mess.
Like dirt.
Like the tiny piece of dirt I am.
But I should put my brave face on.
Here are my favourite Christmas songs. Merry Christmas everyone who is reading this, whether you celebrate or not – and even if it’s not been a good Christmas for you, I hope there’s at least been one positive?
- Do They Know It’s Christmas?
- Last Christmas
- Fairytale of New York
- Happy Xmas (War is Over)
(and two honourable mentions – I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday and Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy)
Saffron x
(the title of this blog of course refers to Mud’s Lonely This Christmas, which is also a great song)