Birthday and The Past Year Reflection Crisis

It was my birthday last week. I’m 24.
I feel like a lot has changed in the last year. And I guess it has. I’m feeling quite shaky in my identity right now…something that I imagine many people experience when it gets to a ‘celebration’ of 12 months of your life passing by. And so I decided to make a list of the main things that have happened, and how I’ve changed. I think we are all so desperate to progress, to feel like we’ve done SOMETHING. Something good. And it can be really scary to reflect back and worry that the path you’ve followed wasn’t the right one, or that you’ve ‘wasted time’. I could end up going off in what my friend calls ‘thought spirals’ – i.e. thoughts leading to thoughts leading to thoughts that ultimately result in you irrationally confirming or reinforcing deep-set fears and insecurities. But this little exercise may somehow stop that, or at least I hope it will…

Events and achievements in the last year:
November 2021 – attempting to eat a non-calorie-counted meal, going to gigs, baking, seeing my friend Vera, trying to challenge other food rules, beginning my ‘Christmas food haul’, preparing advent calendars for family and friends, tutoring.
December 2021 – having a sleepover wth Vera, eating more Christmas food, going to Harry Potter world with my boyfriend-at-the-time, baking, spending some of Christmas with my boyfriend-at-the-time, beginning work at Deloitte, moving in with my boyfriend-at-the-time, tutoring.
January 2022 – trying to challenge more food rules, baking, passing an Accounting exam, becoming stressed by work, separating from my boyfriend-at-the-time, getting Covid, trying to cut down the things I do.
February 2022 – baking, dating people, seeing friends, working harder on recovery with the support of friends and family, celebrating Valentines at a concert, becoming more determined to do voluntary work.
March 2022 – meeting a new friend, baking, dating, deciding I want to be an advocate and getting cool glasses to confirm this, celebrating my friend Vera’s birthday, celebrating Mothers Day and beginning an Easter food haul, throwing myself more into recovery, celebrating my grampy’s birthday, becoming stressed at work, trying to do more voluntary things, finishing a co-authored research paper!
April 2022 – celebrating my mum’d birthday, dating, baking, becoming extremely stressed with work, trying to do more voluntary things.
May 2022 – failing a professional exam and attempting suicide, being hospitalised, going to a gallery, celebrating an anniversary, going to some gigs, becoming much more interested in learning things and reading, my relationship with my mum beginning to dismantle.
June 2022 – dating, baking, having days out, doing even more volunteering (meeting the minister!) and deciding to move in with my boyfriend-at-the-time to focus on recovery and get away from my mum, first cinema trip in over ten years, stopping going on walks every day, beginning work again, missing home, learning about philosophy and considering different career paths and charity work.
July 2022 – dating, baking, pursuing digital art and reading/learning a lot more, learning a lot more about philosophy, recovery progress taking a turn for the worse, being sent a big package from Australia from my dad, breaking up with my boyfriend-at-the-time.
August 2022 – speaking at a conference with Vera, focusing on friends again and meeting up with friends, going to a musical with my sister (first time in over 10 years), struggling with my ill health, going to a festival, picking up tutoring work, going off work again, and being hospitalised, throwing myself into volunteering.
September 2022 – returning to services, struggling with recovery, baking, doing more art, struggling to read or concentrate, getting a bearded dragon, beginning to realise with my team that recovery looks very different to what I thought and therefore taking it much slower, setting up two blogs and deciding for sure what I want to do with my future, meeting up with friends, doing lots of volunteering.
October 2022 – baking, blogging, working with my outpatient team, doing lots of volunteering, becoming more confident in who I am with the help of friends, struggling with my relationship with my mum, struggling still with recovery and the enormity of real recovery in the community, beginning to accept my autism more, meeting new people, doing a few learning things again, beginning to pursue my new path in life.

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Okay. I attempted the above task, and ended up feeling incredibly anxious and low. I worried about what might’ve changed if I had been well, if I had worked harder, if I had been smarter. Would I be in a loving relationship? Would I still be on a more ‘esteemed’ career path? Would I have become the cool, person-who-has-it-together, social butterfly, with lots of friends? Would I be confident? I wondered if I’d be closer to the person I wish I was. Then again, I even question why I want to be that person? Would it make me happy? I don’t like wearing bodycon dresses and drinking, and I feel much more excited about the career path I’m now pursuing…don’t I? Suddenly I was feeling very lost in myself, and my identity.

But then I read a blog post by a friend of mine. And it helped me think a bit more, and realise that actually…I need to stop worrying about what could’ve been or what might’ve been. There are so many possibilities, but we don’t know what life would’ve been like. What matters is being happy, and pursuing what makes us happy. I then decide to write some overall summaries:

In terms of volunteering and all that I got involved with…I was part of the British Youth Council and created a report of recommendations on how to improve the accessibility of the current financial education provision; I have worked lots with GOSH to improve their resources; I coauthored a research paper on the impact of abuse during childhood on mental health at adulthood; I was part of developing the The Young Leaders Collective programme; I worked with Autistica’s SIRG to co-produce and deliver a webinar on complex conditions; I wrote some blogs for other organisations; I presented at many webinars with Ambitious About Autism; I met with the minister of education; I presented at the national autistic conference, Autscape; I began volunteering with the National Autistic Society, running their online arts and crafts branch; and I joined Socialworkvoices and Think Ahead’s SUCRG to help use my experiences under social care to help others. And then there’s been other opportunities over and above all this!

In terms of recovery, I was doing okay, and then following a break up, quite well, but the difficulties of failing a professional exam, and changing life plans, as well as a new relationship, meant I went extremely downhill with my health, before finally re-engaging with services, and reframing my perspectives and ideas on recovery.

In terms of work, I began a new job, and then after taking a couple exams, I realised it wasn’t for me. I realised I wanted to pursue my passions of mental health and charity work, and found a way of doing that, but struggled to let myself accept this change in outlook and dreams.

In terms of social changes and changes within me, I have been in a lot of messy situations with partners, but I have formed a wonderful set of friends and support. I have learnt lots from them, and have become more confident in who I want to be because of them. My relationships within my family have faltered in the process of me asserting more independence, and growing up, and we are now working through this new dynamic.
I have become prouder of my autism, and tried to manage it better. I have enjoyed reading, going to museums and galleries and gigs, making posters and learning about maths and philosophy and world culture and food, I have baked a lot, and I have done some art, and at points, revised some Japanese! AND I’ve reviewed lots of food! I also started a blog and began writing creatively again, a bit.
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Finally, now I reflect. And I feel proud. This last year has actually involved a lot of things, and a lot of personal growth and transformations. At the age of 24, I now know what I want from life, and I’m pursuing it (including focusing on my health). And I’ve come a long way in knowing WHO I am and being more independent.

I’m proud of what I’ve done since turning 23!
And what will my goals for the next year be? Something along the lines of recovering, doing more with friends, doing more reading/art/learning/eatingfood, maybe travel, working in a new career, blogging, and doing more volunteering!

First things first: manage the volunteering I am currently doing, pushing harder with recovery, spending time with friends, enjoying my hobbies, and getting things in place for the new career. Right, that still sounds like a lot, but at least it’s a little simpler!

I hope this helps you, if you’ve also had a birthday and a life crisis!